This Franciscan Spirit blog series explores how study and theology impact the lived experience of faith. St. Francis of Assisi was known to caution his brothers from owning books, emphasizing lifestyle over the study of theology. He believed that while knowledge “puffs up,” charity “builds up.” Early in 1222, however, Francis granted permission to St. Anthony of Padua to teach theology. Wrote Francis to Anthony: “It pleases me that you should teach sacred theology to the brothers as long as–in the words of the rule–you ‘do not extinguish the spirit of prayer and devotion with study of this kind.’” This series explores this tension and potential. What does study and theology look like from a Franciscan perspective?
God has a way of hooking us. God hooked me through academic study.
As a freshman in college, I was taking a Medieval History course when I was assigned The Little Flowers of St. Francis. I hated it. I found it overly sentimental and syrupy. I also longed for the kind of spiritual community the book showed me was possible. And that’s how God hooked me: by introducing me to something I rejected on the one hand, and found compelling on the other. It was the semester I left institutional Christianity and started to search for God.
I had a complicated relationship with institutional Christianity. As a kid, my family attended church the first Sunday of the month at St. Paul Lutheran Church in Oakland. I liked going to church especially because of the large stained-glass window of Jesus holding a lamb. But I wasn’t so keen on Sunday school because I didn’t know many of the answers. Once when I was seven, I had just learned how to use a Table of Contents in school, and tried to apply that skill at Sunday School when the teacher challenged us in a race to find Psalm 23. I adeptly found the book of Psalms in the Table of Contents, flipped to the first page of the book, and eased over to Psalm 23. When she asked how I found it so quickly, I proudly announced I used the Table of Contents. I felt stung with embarrassment when she scolded me. She announced that I and all of us young Christians should be able to “just know” where the book of Psalms is in the Bible. For years growing up and for many years as a young adult I thought there needed to be a distance between what I learned at school and what I believed on Sunday.
“For years growing up and for many years as a young adult I thought there needed to be a distance between what I learned at school and what I believed on Sunday.”
But I just couldn’t let the subject of Franciscan spirituality (or God) go after glimpsing the spiritual community portrayed in The Little Flowers of St. Francis. I became fascinated by how people throughout history have come to experience God, directly in mystical encounters as well as in caring for one another, especially those on the margins.
As a resolute agnostic by this time, it was all an academic pursuit for many years until I found myself in Rome researching a doctoral dissertation on a lay Franciscan who preached. The frenetic city and the long hours in the libraries took their toll. On lunch breaks and walks at the end of the day, I would duck into the churches of Rome to experience peace and quiet. What I saw moved me: people kneeling or sitting; eyes closed or gazing; reading or mumbling words…people praying. I began to yearn for that kind of faith.
On weekends I’d sometimes go to Assisi to get further away from the chaos of Rome. On one particular day in the crypt of the church of San Francesco I prayed for St. Francis’ intercession. “If anyone can do this, it’s you. Help me believe.”
It didn’t happen suddenly, but over days and months I returned to Christian faith. First through the Episcopal church and then to the Roman Catholic Church. Through it all my study of lay Franciscans and their complex faith lives have inspired me. I have found people in the Franciscan tradition who model for me fervent faith as lay people with different commitments and practices than vowed religious, but with no less devotion or conviction.
I was teaching at a large state university when I saw a want ad for a professor of Spirituality at the Franciscan School of Theology in Berkeley. I knew the building well since my grandfather lived just a few blocks away. I applied for the position not wanting to hold on to the outcome…one never knows if there’s an inside candidate after all. But when I got the job it was a real homecoming: back to the place where I had grown up and into a place where I could fuse my faith and work.
My research, teaching, and vocation are centered on this faith and on Franciscan spirituality. For me and for many who come to study at the Franciscan School of Theology (which is now in San Diego and affiliated with the University of San Diego), study enriches our faith. Study makes my own faith more meaningful. Study helps me make sense of my daily connections with the people and the natural world. And faith makes it all worthwhile.
1 thought on “Study & Theology: Studying My Way to God”
What a touching story of lifelong seeking and finding. Thank you for sharing, teaching, and inspiring.