Developing a friendship with an inmate through a pen-pal ministry could provide the seed for change and growth—for both parties.
My grandson Isaiah e-mailed me yesterday. He said he was sorry he hadn’t written lately and promised to write me over the weekend. But he concluded, as always, with, “I love you, Grandpa.” The words are gold.
I understand. He’s 22 and busy learning HVAC (heating, ventilation, and air-conditioning) and cabinetmaking. He’s also taking college courses in religious studies, currently a course in systematic theology. Did I mention he plays basketball and saxophone? And loves gospel music? And sings it with a voice like velvet? I’m really proud of him.
We’ve never met in person. Probably never will. We’re related by love, letters, e-mails, and a phone call. He’s in prison several states away. I already had six grandkids. How Isaiah became the seventh is a great story—well, bittersweet- great—which I’ll tell a little later.
Overcoming Concerns
When I first looked into writing to prisoners (often called prison pen-pal ministry), I wasn’t certain what to expect or what might be expected of me. In an indirect way, it was a journey into foreign territory. But missionaries and volunteers who venture into foreign lands often say, “I received more than I gave.” I can say the same.
My words, however, don’t stem from a bleeding-heart mentality that views most prisoners as merely misunderstood victims of their poor choices who could be thoroughly rehabilitated by a warm smile and a big hug. People who write to prisoners know better than that. We also know that, just as Jesus said, it’s the sick who need a physician; it’s the embittered and despondent who most need a ray of sunshine, support, encouragement, and friendship—everyone has those things to give.
While good intentions abound, it’s understandable to have reservations about writing to a prisoner at first. However, those hesitancies disappear when you think through your fears. They’ll know where I live—when they get out, they’ll come here and murder us all or steal my valuables! Is that truly likely—for being a caring person and reaching out to them? If you’re reluctant nonetheless, you can write to someone who is doing life, on death row, serving a 40-year sentence, or incarcerated a thousand miles away.
It’s easy to stereotype prisoners, but they’re as individual as people outside the walls, fences, and barbed wire. More inmates than you realize are quite educated, accomplished, well-read, and gifted. Others may not have graduated from high school. That, however, can be deceptive. One of my correspondents never finished high school but writes paragraphs that make me envious—all the more impressive because everything he writes, necessarily in longhand, is a first draft.
Finding a Prison Pen-Pal
The easiest way to access prisoners who would like to receive mail is through Internet prison pen-pal sites. Google prison pen pals, and over a dozen sites will appear. Each one is a bit different. One site, FriendsBeyondtheWall.com, offers the most services to both inmates and pen pals. It was established by families and friends of prisoners and ex-offenders and has been operating for 18 years.
Prisoners’ addresses on the sites are free to anyone. Each prisoner’s listing will give the inmate’s name, prison number, age or date of birth, date of earliest expected release or life sentence, and usually a photo. Other information varies but may include race, religion, sexual orientation, and whom the inmate would like letters from—men, women, or anyone.
Each listing will also feature a personal introduction written by the inmate, which usually includes where the inmate grew up, his or her background, interests, and achievements both before and during incarceration, and often hopes and dreams. Many will ask that they not be judged solely by their past mistakes.
Most sites will have separate listings for newly incarcerated prisoners, prisoners serving life, prisoners on death row, and (my favorite) prisoners not receiving any mail. FriendsBeyondtheWall.com and WriteaPrisoner.com have filters that search lists by your personal criteria to narrow the choices.
Be a Friend
Once you choose an inmate, you may be thinking, I wouldn’t know what to write about. Simply consider the normal topics of daily life: children, grandchildren—and how bright and adorable they are—pets, your dog’s silliest habits, your career or job, where you live, your faith and favorite prayers, your interests or hobbies. You could focus on a current activity, like describing your flower beds or vegetable garden and how the growing season is going for you.
Alternatively, you could delve into your memories and detail what it was like growing up, maybe mentioning the toys you got for Christmas. Tell the story about the time your child tried to climb into the dishwasher or discuss why you do or do not believe in aliens. It’s all good. A few sentences about nearly any subject will be like an ice-cold drink on a sultry summer day.
Additionally, include questions about what interests or hobbies the prisoner has and ask about certain aspects of his or her life. Once you have established a relationship, you can connect with the prisoner by following up with experiences he or she has mentioned.
When writing to an inmate, you also need to consider some things you should not say. For example, don’t make unrealistic promises or write a scathing condemnation of the prison (letters are read or skimmed before being delivered).
Also, don’t use a condescending tone that could demean a prisoner (“I know you’ve done some bad things, but I’m just going to look past that.”).
If a prisoner doesn’t respond right away to correspondence, it’s possible he or she has already received many letters from an Internet listing and does not have time to take on another pen pal. However, more likely reasons include not having enough money in his or her prison account to buy envelopes and stamps, injury from a violent encounter, serious depression, or getting a new or more time-consuming prison job. It takes a while to build up money in a prison account since jobs can pay as little as 15 cents an hour, depending on the state and the facility. The average maximum wage is $4.73 per day, or 59 cents an hour.
Prison facilities monitor all mail, so there are specific guidelines to follow to keep your letters and packages flowing smoothly. Don’t use stickers on envelopes, stationery, or any enclosure with glued parts—the mail room will suspect the glue is laced with drugs. Also, don’t enclose more than three photos (no matter how cute your grandkids are).
Making a Difference
Deacon Bill Theis has served on the prison ministry team for the Diocese of Covington, Kentucky, for some time. He can tell story after story of prisoners’ reactions to even the smallest acts of kindness. “Last Christmas, an apple, a candy cane, and a bag of hardtack candy brought a man to tears,” he told me. “Anything that lets them know somebody cares makes all the difference in the world. Many of them have been abandoned by family. They’re not accustomed to anybody caring.”
“What would you say to someone who’s thinking about writing to a prisoner?” I asked him.
“Do it,” he said. “Trust me—it’ll make all the difference in the world.”
Father Frank DeSiano, CSP, president of Paulist Evangelization Ministries, which includes Paulist Prison Ministry, agrees: “Writing to prisoners is a great ministry to care for these all-too-forgotten people. I think any contact we can have with prisoners, giving them a glimpse of a world beyond the terrible one in which they are put, is part of God’s grace in the world.”
Another person inspiring others to reach out to prisoners is Lisa Roach, manager of Inside Out Letter Ministry. She’s also the mother of a prisoner; in fact, her son founded the ministry. She personally matches inmates with volunteers and speaks of pen-pal ministry with a delightful North Carolina drawl, unconquerable faith, and boundless enthusiasm.
“Once a pen-pal volunteer steps up, acting as the body of Christ,” Roach writes, “the inmate can learn to handle struggles through encouragement and looking at life through a new set of eyes. With the power of the Holy Spirit, there will be a change resulting in a new creation in Christ (2 Cor 5:17).”
She relayed three particularly dramatic transformations she witnessed in prisoners who were part of the pen-pal ministry. One inmate had been a jaundiced skeptic who discovered that belief in God does make a difference in your life. Another prisoner had been a leader of an Aryan Brotherhood gang, but he disavowed the gang and now leads others in a Narcotics Anonymous group. The third individual was a 65-year-old inmate whose family had turned their backs on him. Once he changed, however, Roach was able to facilitate reconciliation.
In all such stories, she says, “It took an outsider to encourage them in their value and worth in God. It’s all done through the Holy Spirit and someone taking the time to write a letter. Let’s show others the grace and love that we have been shown. Let us be about our Father’s business and be the body we are called to be.”
My New Grandson
Looking back at the beginning of my own story with my prison pen pal Isaiah, I was witness to his transformation, which led to his becoming my seventh grandson. From an early age, he was raised by grandparents who did not want him around. As years went on, their treatment of him became increasingly harsh. He experienced verbal, physical, sexual, and emotional abuse. His grandfather repeatedly told him he should never have been born.
That man was the principal reason for the explosive actions that put Isaiah behind bars at 17. During police interrogations, he sobbed, “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” When I had learned all the facts, I wrote him: “I don’t think there was or is something wrong with you. The wrong was elsewhere. I wish I could have been your grandfather instead of the one you had.”
His next letter began, “Dear Grandpa.”
Why Should I Write to a Prisoner?
There are many excellent reasons for writing to prisoners. Review the following questions; each “yes” answer constitutes an excellent reason.
✦ Do you enjoy cheering someone up, especially if you know he or she is lonely? Would you appreciate being able to do so for only 50 cents?
✦ Would you like knowing for certain that you did cheer someone up, probably far more than you’re aware?
✦ Do you enjoy meeting new people?
✦ Have you ever read an article or heard a homily about reaching out to the lonely, the neglected, the forgotten, the “marginalized”? Many—perhaps most—prisoners are all of those.
✦ Do you remember hearing or reading, “I was in prison and you visited me” (Mt 25:36, one of the corporal works of mercy)?
To get started, visit one of the prison pen-pal websites below:
FriendsBeyondtheWall.com
WriteaPrisoner.com
PrisonInmates.com
PrisonPenPals.com
Don’t have a computer? Write to:
Inside Out Letter Ministry
P.O. Box 11
Cherryville, NC 28021
(704) 747-2796
